


I Can't Lose You Again

by MelodicMadness



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: Into Darkness - Fandom
Genre: M/M, SPOILERS FOR STID, Some Fluff, Some angst, i also have bones in here because he was not in enough of the movie, in which i try to fix the abrupt ending of the movie, it's more like pre-slash, kirk and spock have a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-05-30
Packaged: 2017-12-13 10:09:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodicMadness/pseuds/MelodicMadness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim was lucky as hell to receive a second chance at life. After all, he still had so much that he needed to say to Spock, and for whatever reason, the universe granted him that wish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Lose You Again

When McCoy first gave Jim the life-saving injection, Spock refused to leave his side. He knew it was illogical. It would take at least 4.1 days before any progress showed, but he felt as if his feet were glued to the hospital floor. He had debriefings to go to, and with Jim lying half-dead on a hospital bed, he was the one who had to explain the whole situation with Khan and Admiral Marcus, with some help from the other crew members. Luckily for him, it wasn't his job to tell that to the public. It would have been easy for Starfleet to cover up their dealings with Khan, but the people kind of wanted to know why a gigantic starship riddled with weaponry had crashed into the city.

Spock did what he had to, but as soon as he was done with the official business, he was back by Jim's side. Day after day he made time to go to Jim's room and sit beside his bed, just waiting and watching. One week had passed, and most of the damage the radiation had done to Jim's cells was beginning to disappear, but his brain functions weren't recovering as quickly as he'd hoped-- and yes, hope was illogical, but when had Spock ever been logical around Jim?

After that one week, McCoy had walked in to check up on his friend while Spock was there. Spock, who had taken to sitting right on Jim's bed, stood up quickly and backed away to allow the doctor space. McCoy worked quietly, taking note of the new readings, both the bad and the good. Spock waited quietly. He knew McCoy would tell him what was going on without even having to ask. 

Eventually, McCoy turned around to look at Spock. “His major organs are functioning normally for the most part. A few more days and his body will be good as new. But,” he paused, pressing his lips together, “none of that will guarantee full recovery of his brain. He was out for a while before I got him into a cryo pod. It's possible that...” He didn't even want to finish his thought, and Spock probably already knew what he was going to say, but he had to come to terms with it as much as Spock did.

“There is a 5.42 percent chance that he will not regain consciousness,” Spock finished for him. His gut twisted just thinking of that possibility.

McCoy sadly nodded his head. “He's showing progress, but it's hard to say what will happen right now. Even with our medical technology, the brain is unpredictable and fragile.”

“He must wake up,” Spock said suddenly, not caring if it sounded like an emotional outburst. This was Jim, and he needed him.

“And what will you do if he doesn't?” 

Spock considered this question, his gaze directed at the floor. He wasn't going to make up some detailed, “logical” reaction. He had to be honest with McCoy. They may not have been friends, but each of them were connected to Jim, and that warranted his trust. “If that happens, Doctor,” he began, clasping his hands tightly behind his back, “Then I will truly have lost everything.” With that, he turned around and left, leaving a slack jawed McCoy behind him.

“Well I'll be damned,” he whispered in awe to himself.

\----

Others came to visit Jim, of course. Some of them had walked in when Spock was already there, making them wonder just how much time he spent next to Jim. Next to Spock, Uhura visited the most frequently. Spock had barely said a single word to her since Jim's death, which she didn't blame him much, but it was beginning to become obvious about what was going on here. She was surprised when she went to visit Jim and didn't see Spock there. McCoy, however, was sitting in a chair, arms crossed, watching the readings carefully. There had been progress, and it was picking up quickly. He was so focused on the screens so intently that he didn't hear Uhura approach. He jumped when she greeted him with a, “Hello, Leonard.”

“Christ, don't do that to me!” He rubbed his face with one hand and swiveled in his chair to face the new visitor. “And why are you chuckling?”

“It gives me something to laugh about. I don't think I've laughed in a while,” Uhura responded. 

McCoy motioned to a chair not far from him. Uhura dragged it over by him and sat in it. “You'll be glad to know that Jim's finally starting to show some improvement in his brain functions. It won't be long before he wakes up, I take it.”

Uhura dropped her shoulders in relief, letting out a big breath of air. “That's great news. I know all of us were starting to doubt it.”

“I think we're finally in the clear,” McCoy said, almost smiling. “You still look concerned though. Anything you feel like sharing?”

She shifted in her seat, placing her hands between her knees. She had no one else to tell this to, so maybe McCoy was the best person to turn to. “It's about Jim and Spock. Specifically, how Spock acts when it concerns Jim.” McCoy nodded as a sign for her to go on. “I haven't talked to him in a while. Maybe a few words as we pass by each other in the hall, but that's it. I know he's been busy, but he's had less to do and still I can't get a moment with him. I normally see him here. Hikaru, Pavel, Scotty-- they see him here too.” 

“I'm Jim's doctor, and still Spock is here more often than me,” McCoy added. He knew exactly what Uhura was getting at. After Spock's tiny confession, there wasn't a single doubt in his mind.

“I'm not being silly, am I? You see what's going on too? I don't want to sound selfish at all. If Spock would rather be here than with me, I'll accept it. But I'm just not sure what exactly is happening, or how he feels about anything anymore.” She let out a tiny sigh, giving McCoy a chance to respond.

He considered if he should tell her or not, but seeing how Spock wasn't sharing anything with her, he decided to inform her. “About a week ago, Spock was here. Jim hadn't been showing many signs of ever waking up, so I asked Spock what he'd do if Jim never woke up.”

“What did he say?” Uhura asked, anxious for the answer. 

He turned his glance toward the still form on the bed. “He said to me, 'If that happens, Doctor, then I will truly have lost everything.'” 

Tears prickled at Uhura's eyes but she held them back. She supposed she was going to find out one way or another. She'd have to have a real talk with Spock soon, but until Jim woke up, she was never going to get his attention. “Thank you for telling me,” she said quietly. McCoy placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze.

“Just thought I should let you know. It's not fair not knowing what's going on. I'm just sorry that he hasn't told you anything.”

“No, it's okay. He loves him, and that's not a bad thing. I just... I think I need some time to think all of this through.” She stood up and McCoy released her shoulder. “Please let me know when Jim is finally awake.”

McCoy nodded his head. “Will do.”

She turned and left quickly after that. 

\----

The surge of emotions-- relief, happiness, joy, excitement, affection-- nearly knocked Spock off of his feet. When he saw Jim awake, he had to restrain himself from sprinting those last few meters to his bed.

Jim was about to say something to McCoy but he stopped, mouth still open, and turned his head to look at Spock. A smile spread across his face, which actually kind of hurt considering how long it'd been since he used his mouth. “Spock.”

Spock walked up to him, his eyes never leaving Jim's. “I cannot express the joy I am feeling in seeing you alive and well, Jim.”

Everything about that sentence left Jim stunned. “I, uh,” he swallowed. “I'm glad you're okay, too-- wait. You just called me Jim.” The smile quickly came back to his face.

Spock could feel his ears turning green. He was about to speak when Jim interrupted. “Hold on. Now that I'm finally awake, I wanna tell you something.” 

“What is it, Jim?” 

Hearing his name on Spock's lips again sent a chill up his spine. He was never going to get used to that, was he? “There was a lot I wanted to tell you, while I was dying... I didn't have the time. But I do now.” He stopped and subconsciously gripped the bed sheets out of nervousness. This was a bit hard now that Spock was actually standing right in front of him.

Spock saw the gesture and didn't hesitate in reaching down and gripping one of Jim's hands within his own in an attempt to calm him down. It may also have been a selfish act on his part. 

The contact gave him the courage to go on. He didn't care how Spock would respond. He wasn't losing his chance again. His heart beat wildly as he spoke. “When our ship was going down, I could only think of all the people I was letting down, how many of them were going to die because of me. Their faces went through my head, one by one. And then finally yours popped up. I knew then that I couldn't let you die, no matter what. I knew I'd do anything for you. It's why I couldn't just leave you behind on that volcano, and why I risked myself to save the ship. I was being a hypocrite, but I just couldn't let you die.” He paused to allow himself a small breath. His hands began to tremble, as did his voice. But finally, with no way to turn back, he spoke, “Spock, to lose you would be like losing a piece of myself.” 

Spock felt his own heart beating loudly now. The raw emotion that was radiating from Jim left him stunned. How could anyone be so genuine, so brilliant in heart and mind that it even left Spock speechless? “Jim,” he breathed. It started to make more sense now. He was beginning to see that their affection towards each other was much more than feelings of friendship.

He shifted his hand to lace his fingers through Jim's. “My emotions are not entirely different from your own. I have already experienced what it would be like to lose you, and that emptiness is something I never want to experience again,” he admitted quietly. 

“I'm sorry,” Jim whispered. “I didn't mean to put you through that.”

Spock shook his head. “You do not need to apologize. You are here now.”

“And I'll be here for as long as you need me,” he said with a small smile. He tried to sit up but found his muscles wouldn't allow it. Instead, he motioned for Spock to lean in closer, and once he was close enough, he wrapped his arms around him in a warm embrace. “I know you're not a huggy type person, so I hope you don't mind,” he said with a tinge of embarrassment. 

Spock returned the embrace, shocking him a bit. He was afraid that if he let go, Jim would disappear again. He muttered, “No, I do not mind.”

Silence fell over them until Jim could no longer keep his arms up. He unwrapped them from around Spock's body and fell back down on the pillow. He just wanted to hold Spock for a little bit longer, maybe even give him a kiss, or two, or ten. “I don't think my body likes being awake right now,” Jim joked, attempting to dispel the room of any lingering sad feelings. 

Spock agreed, “I wish to remain here, but you must rest now.”

“I hate to agree with you on this, but you're right,” he chuckled. “But when I'm awake again, I want to talk more. I want to hear more about how you feel.” And I want to make it clear just how much I love you, he added silently. 

“Of course. Please acquire some rest until then.” He regrettably pulled away and stood up to his full height. 

Jim gave him a lazy wave of the hand, and said with a grin, “See you later, Spock.”

“Goodbye, Jim.”

Before Spock reached the door, Jim called out after him, “Hey, next time you come, can you bring me some food? I hate hospital food.”

One side of Spock's mouth quirked up in amusement. It was good to have his Captain back. “I will be sure to do that.”


End file.
